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This husband obviously has a death wish.
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H & I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely. .... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
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I just
Learned
How
To
Text Message!!
I think I have the Hang of it now!
Show this to your
family and friends!
Warning: Scam Against Older Men
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
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Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
These are the voyages of the NETGEAR N600 Wireless-N. Its mission: To help seek out new cat pictures and amusing cooking videos.
Captain! Sensors are picking up a signal just ahead!
“What have we got, Ensign?”
It appears to be a young woman alone in her kitchen. Sensors indicate she is trying to cook, but doing it rather poorly due to an increasing alcohol level, sir.
“Curious. Attempt to hail using the ReadySHARE® USB. Let’s see if she’d like to wirelessly share a USB hard drive with us.”
Negative, Captain. She’s not responding. She appears to be falling down a lot and spilling things instead. It’s strange. It seems rather simple, but its popularity rating is off the scale.
“Move to intercept. Prepare the Dual Band. I want it running at 2.4 and 5GHz bands concurrently, Ensign. Let’s see if we can catch up to this Kitchen Drunk.”
Sir, it’s no use! I’m already receiving tweets from other crew members that say they’ve already seen it! We’re losing Internet points fast, Captain, and we still can’t post to Tumblr!
“Engage the Automatic Quality-of-Service, then! I want full bandwidth priority given to watching that video, is that clear?!”
Yes, sir! It… It’s working. Captain, we’re receiving the video now!
“I do hope it was worth it, Ensign. After our run in with the EpicMealTime, we can’t sustain another crushing disappointment.”
they have very funny descriptions..
JEWISH NEWLYWEDS
Please excuse the four-letter words toward the end of the
following story... I would have deleted them, but the story
wouldn't be the same..
JEWISH NEWLYWEDS
A young Jewish couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well", said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic"... Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, mama, as soon as we returned,
Sam started using the most horrible language -- things
I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful four-letter words!
You've got to take me home!!
PLEASE MAMA !"
"Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down!
You need to stay with your husband and work this out.
Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful!
COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.
Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said,
"Oh, Mama..., he used words like:
"DUST, WASH , IRON, and COOK...
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said her mother.
